Santa Khurai is a trans person who defies all social norms and is one of the leading social activists in Manipur. Recently, she came out with a book on her life titled “The Yellow Sparrow,” published by Speaking Tiger. A colourful life, marked by trauma and suppression, Khurai’s autobiographical book is a journey in search of identity, self-discovery and transformation. Khurai said that with the birth of the book, she felt a heavy load being lifted away from her.
“I love writing,” said Khurai. “It is therapy for me”. Khurai said that putting her story into a book is to reach a wider audience. The book is a way of expressing her inner self. “I wanted to express myself through a book,” she said, “including my happiness, my joys, and my love.”
It was during her growing up years into adulthood—which Khurai said was one of the most difficult phases—that she turned to writing and reading. “During those years, there was no one to listen to me or understand me,” said Khurai. She began writing diaries and collecting autographs, which were very popular in those years—the 1980s and the 1990s. Khurai would write down her feelings, her sadness, her anger, and memorable events, and maintain a record of sorts. “I write in both Meiteilon and English,” she said. Khurai also wrote poems and articles for magazines and daily newspapers like The Imphal Free Press.
In later years, even as Khurai became actively involved in activism, advocating for gender rights and sexual minorities, Khurai said, “Nobody really cares about nor understands the life of a trans person.”
That is what prompted Khurai to put all her memories and diary records down into a book. Khurai said, “I wanted to put my life out in a book so that people would get to know more in-depth about what I went through and about the lives of trans people.”
Over the years, there has been awareness and some acceptance of transpersons in Manipur. One of the reasons is the collective struggle for their rights and the activism of people like Santa Khurai.
However, a large number of them are hiding behind closed doors. While the general attitude towards the trans community remains the same, “We are still looked down upon,” said Khurai. “Trans people are still confined to the four walls and are not coming out in the open.”
Trans women in Manipur were called “homo,” a short version of “homosexual.” These terms are used to make fun of them, to belittle them, or to mock them. They were also known as Nupi Maanbi, meaning “behaving like a woman”. In fact, they have used the term positively to come together as a collective and started the “All Manipur Nupi Maanbi Association (AMaNA) in 2008.
Trans women mostly work and engage in the beauty and fashion industry. “There is no other option,” said Khurai. One of the reasons is that these sectors or jobs do not require academic excellence or a degree. Since most trans people have low educational qualifications, they mostly end up in these businesses. Moreover, Khurai said beauty and fashion skills are inborn talents that just need to be honed and improved eventually.
“They are not highly educated or mostly school dropouts,” said Khurai. Due to bullying in school, most trans people drop out of school. Besides being constantly rebuked and under pressure from family, bullying in school and other social institutions added to the trauma.
Another reason is that in these fields of work—beauty and fashion— trans persons could express themselves, such as by dressing the way they like or desire. Khurai, who studied in all-boys schools, recalled, “I used to hate wearing pants.” Khurai says that she loves wearing make-up, keeping long hair, and dressing up in beautiful fashionable women’s clothing.
Khurai said that trans people are actually stuck in the profession: “They cannot come out or go beyond this profession”.
Even if they want to look out for other fields of employment, there is neither opportunity nor acceptance of them. Additionally, the huge unemployment scenario – that led to a high level of competition – in a state like Manipur is a big hindrance. According to Khurai, it is impossible to compete with cis-gender candidates. This gives them insecurity and fear. Lack of confidence makes them shy away from applying for jobs.
“Cis-genders are a privileged lot, they have better opportunities and better access to education. People who grow up in a deprived environment like us are bound to fail at competing,” said Khurai.
Santa Khurai is a trained lab technician. She got a job in private clinics in Imphal but had to quit it all. The reason is that she was told to dress and behave in a certain way or be mocked and ridiculed.
“In one of the jobs that I got, the clinic owner would always make fun of me and laugh at me,” said Khurai “He completely destroyed my self-confidence.”. Khurai could not survive even a month in any of the jobs that she got. “There is no respect in the workplace for trans people, those places are not trans-friendly at all,” said Khurai.
Khurai strongly emphasizes the need for policies such as a reservation in jobs for the trans community. “We need reservations,” she said. “Without reservations, it is impossible to come up and be on par with others,” said Khurai.
She further suggests that universities and educational institutions must have trans cells or trans studies.
Due to trauma and depression, many trans people have taken their own lives. “We are not able to even make out if we are happy or depressed,” said Khurai. She says that due to such mental conditions, most trans people turn to alcohol and substance abuse.
Khurai admits she herself turned to drugs for comfort. “I was all alone, going through a very difficult phase of depression,” she recalled. People started spreading rumours about her. Her health deteriorated, and her beauty parlour suffered badly. It was during the peak of the rise in HIV/AIDS in Manipur. Trans people were the most vulnerable, with a high prevalence of cases among them.
“If we tested HIV positive, that was the end of the story,” said Khurai.
“I could go to a rehabilitation centre,” she recalled, “that would further invite even more rumours and cause a setback in my career.” At that point in time, Khurai was gaining popularity in the film industry as a make-up artist and designer. “Many looked up to me, and I had to protect my reputation,” she said.
Fortunately for Khurai, her education is her biggest asset. It not only gave her some respect in society but was also a huge help in her times of weakness and most difficult situations. “I turned to reading,” she said. Desperately seeking to come out of her addiction. Khurai says that she read a lot of books during those critical times, “I read a lot of Osho books,” she said. Khurai said what one reads is very important. “I mostly read spiritual books: Gita, Sufi, Bible,” she said, “ it really helped”.
Khurai also mentioned that a few close friends were her support through thick and thin.
The 80s and 90s were the peak of insurgency in Manipur. With AFSPA in place, it was during this period that the trans community were one of the most victimized people. They faced physical and sexual assault by security personnel.
The areas where the trans community normally congregates or comes together to socialize would be frequented by the security forces. “The security forces would come to the places we hang around. We would run helter-skelter in fear,” Khurai says “Many also fell victim to sexual assault”.
Santa Khurai is presently running her own beauty and fashion training centre. She is actively working on the social legal protection of trans people. “I am working towards a trans-inclusive policy”. All the while, she is engaging in different levels of advocacy with the government departments. She conducts workshops, sensitisation and legal awareness for the trans community across north-east India.
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